Ego or Truth?

The beginning of football season reminds me of a story I heard a few years back. I think this one is true. It goes something like this…

Back in the 1950s, a Notre Dame football player was charged with a crime. During the trial, a number of football teammates were called to testify. One of those testifying was a teammate who had been the starting center and captain of the team. He had been voted captain by his teammates not only for his skill, but also for his humility and integrity. He was considered a gentle giant.

After he was sworn in, he was asked a few questions to establish his credentials. The attorney asked him to confirm that he had been the starting center, and team captain.

“Yes, sir,” he replied.

“And did you excel at your position?” the attorney asked.

After a pause, the former lineman spoke clearly and confidently: “Sir, I was the best center to ever play at Notre Dame.”

The attorney proceeded on with his questions.

During a recess, a Notre Dame assistant coach who had been watching the trial walked up to the former center. They exchanged a few pleasantries, and then the coach said: “I have to admit I was a little surprised by your testimony.”

The former center was taken aback. “What do you mean?” he asked.

“Well,” said the coach, “I completely agree with what you said about being the best center to ever play at Notre Dame. It’s just that I’ve always known you as an extremely humble guy, so I was surprised to hear you say it.”

The center blushed and looked away. Finally, he turned back to his former coach. “It was an awkward moment,” he admitted. “But you have to understand, coach. I was under oath to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.”

Checking Your Grooves

We all have beliefs, values and behaviors that form our personality and shape our view of the world and our perception of reality. Some beliefs, more like opinions, change based on new information or experience. In contrast, there are many perceptions and behaviors that are deeply “grooved” into our brain. So deep and habitual are these thought patterns that they exert powerful influence over how we think, interpret and act. Some such grooves may be consciously chosen, like our preferences for art and music, or our religious beliefs. Still others are so automatic and unquestioned that we may not even be aware of them. For example, some people faced with a challenge automatically respond with curiosity and optimism, while others respond with worry and pessimism.

I once worked with a client, Jim, who was thinking about launching his own business. In our work we talked about roughly three transition strategies:

1) Staying put in his job.
2) Quitting cold turkey so he could devote himself 100% to the new business.
3) Building “stepping stones” to transition gradually from his current situation to his new venture.

One day a friend of his approached him about a sizeable project in Jim’s general area of expertise. Jim met with his friend and the friend’s boss to discuss the project. At the end of the discussion, Jim suggested that as a next step they meet with the owner of his company.

After Jim related the story, my first question was, “Given your plan to start your own company, did it not occur to you that this project and client might be a great stepping stone to YOUR new business?”

Jim seemed stunned by this idea. It had never occurred to him. So “grooved” was he about automatically feeding prospects up the chain of command, that he was blind to a possible entrepreneurial opportunity.

This situation also revealed another one of Jim’s grooves. While he has powerful expertise in his field of knowledge, he had never worked in the prospect’s particular industry. So his knee-jerk (grooved) assessment was that he lacked the qualifications to handle the project. When he expressed this view I asked him if he knew anyone in his field with such industry knowledge. If so, they could have partnered on the project. Again, he seemed stunned. The idea had never occurred to him.

This is how it is with grooves. The really deep ones are more like ditches that prevent us from seeing the wider picture. The narrower and deeper the groove, the less flexibility we have for thinking and acting. On the bright side, we have flexible minds capable of creating new grooves.

For example, I sometimes work with executives who are “too nice,” which can create problems when a situation calls for stern, assertive behavior. A friend of ours is strongly conflict averse, but she found there are limits to her niceness.

One day while vacationing on a beach with her children, she saw a woman walk by with her St. Bernard. The dog stopped and did his business, leaving a heaping “dog pie.” The woman failed to “scoop the poop” and walked back to her nearby cottage. This flipped a switch in our friend. She scooped the dog pie into a grocery bag and marched over to the woman’s cottage. “You left something on the beach,” she reported when the woman answered the door. She promptly handed over the grocery bag to the surprised woman.

“I don’t want this,” the woman said.

“Neither does the beach,” our friend said. With that she stalked off and never looked back.

So, what are your grooves? Are they helping or hindering you in achieving your goals? Is it time to grow some new grooves?

Leggo My Ego

My introduction to the word “ego” was in 9th grade when my science teacher and text book described the mind as comprised of:

Ego – our thoughts
Super ego – our unconscious drives
Id – the referee between the two

I dutifully memorized these distinctions well enough to pass the test, but never found them particularly insightful or useful.

Fast-forward to the present. In my work with organizational leaders, I’ve come up with a few classifications of “ego” reflecting different combinations of competence, confidence and self-interest:

Low ego – Someone with low ego tends to have low self-confidence, poor self-esteem, or a lack of ambition. Sometimes the esteem issue is rooted in harsh, critical even abusive environments growing up. Sometimes it’s related to lack of competence. In any case, I seldom see low ego types leading organizations. They tend to shun the spotlight and hide their weaknesses. Their career strategies often emphasize politics over substance. They also seem prone to blaming, probably to avoid having their incompetence revealed. The work of someone with low ego is to find and tap their genuine greatness, and to develop true competence in skills pertaining to their work.

Inflated ego – The poster child for this ego level is Donald Trump. Leaders with inflated egos are all about “me, me, me.” (See also, “narcissism.”) They are pretty easy to spot in organizations. They seem ruthlessly ambitious. They tend to “throw people under the bus” to avoid being blamed for mistakes or bad decisions. As they get promoted they forget “the little people.” While they might pretend to be good team players, their real agenda is to gain personal glory. They resent anyone who gets elevated ahead of them. They may be the “smartest guy in the room,” or act as if they are. In the process, they disparage or dismiss the views of others. This does not endear them to their teams, or create strong cadres of followers.

The development work for someone with an inflated ego is difficult – it is to help them embrace a more humble and caring attitude. Usually, it takes a cosmic two-by-four to bring forth an appetite for such dramatic change. The most common humbling events include divorce, alienation from children, unexpected job loss, or health challenges. It’s less painful if the leader with excessive ego recognizes his or her hubris and takes steps to embrace humility and empathy for others.

Healthy ego – Working with a leader possessing a healthy ego is a pleasure. Such leaders are confident in expressing views, listening to others and making decisions. They are humble enough to admit there is much to learn. Rather than trying to hide their own ignorance (low ego), or bluster through a knowledge deficit (inflated ego), they instead come from a place of curiosity. They appreciate those whose knowledge exceeds their own. They might adopt the posture of a student (beginner’s mind) as they seek to learn new subject matter. Or they might simply trust and empower others who have greater knowledge. Leaders with a healthy ego are not shy about negotiating for the better pay and benefits that usually accompany someone at their level of success. At the same time, money and status are not their top priorities.

To be candid, I have experienced only limited success coaching the first two ego levels. Those with low ego can be intimidated by the prospect of a coach, afraid that their incompetence will be revealed, perhaps even ridiculed. For them, the discomfort of change may be too threatening.

Those with excessive egos rarely even consider using a coach, unless they view the coach as a status symbol. In such cases, they may want the coach to do nothing more than observe and acknowledge their greatness. Those with a healthy ego are open and curious with respect to coaching, and are happy to try new ideas that might bring greater success.

Once a person has established a strong, healthy, balanced ego, the next stage of development seems somewhat paradoxical. It is to give up the ego, putting the needs of others ahead of one’s selfish needs. I would call this stage of the process ego-lessness.

More about that in the next post…

Parental Lessons on Collaboration

I was sitting in a coffee shop recently trying to write a blog post. It wasn’t happening.

Then a couple sat down nearby. I could not help but overhear some of their conversation. Seems they have a middle school son who is shaping up as a bit of a slacker. All he wants to do is play video games. He’s not doing his school work, he avoids his simple chores like making his bed, and he has shown no interest in extra-curricular activities at school.

The father was pretty worked up about the situation. He was talking about carrots, and even more about sticks. He talked about rules, guidelines and other structures that might help eradicate his son’s bad habits and replace them with good ones.

Mom, on the other hand, openly declared that she was concerned but not alarmed. She agreed that they could and should explore some avenues to improve the behaviors, but she was more of the view that her son was just going through a phase and would work his way out of it.

The conversation went on for some time. What struck me most was not the content of the dialogue, but rather, the mutual friendly and concerned tone. I can so easily imagine other situations where two adults would escalate the heat of the conversation, becoming increasingly defensive and/or increasingly aggressive about their differences of opinion. Maybe one would steamroll the other into capitulation and acquiescence.

A take-no-prisoners, give-no-quarter approach dominates our competitive culture where the loudest, most insistent voices seem to win – at least when it comes to talk radio and cable news.

But this couple did not pursue their difference with conventional win-at-all costs ideology. To the contrary, at one point I heard the mother say something like, “Although I’m not as worried about this as you are, I am curious about why you feel the way you feel.” A bit later she asked her husband what he was like when he was 13 years old. Still later she really won me over by saying, “Even though I’m not worried about this like you are, I will support whatever you want to do.”

The husband, for his part, did not try to convince his wife that she was wrong and he was right. He didn’t get louder or more insistent. He listened to her. He addressed her questions thoughtfully. He seemed grateful to be able to express himself fully without it turning into a tug-of-war.

Let’s look at a parallel conversation in the business world. One of my clients is a director, and one of her employees, a manager, has been on loan to a senior VP. When it came time for the company’s managers to provide preliminary ratings on their direct reports, my client gave her manager grades of As, Bs and Cs on various performance goals and attributes. Her evaluation was based on both firsthand observations and comments, sometimes complaints, from others in the organization. After submitting her rating through channels, it was bounced back to her. The SVP wanted the report card to read straight As. When she sought an audience to compare and contrast their different perspectives, the message was unambiguous: there is no debate; change the ratings.

What is the impact of this style of dialogue, or better put, lack of dialogue? First, the director feels disempowered and alienated. Second, she has already been approached by colleagues who learned of the top grades assigned to her manager. (It’s hard to keep a secret in any company!) They were steamed and blamed her, placing her in the difficult position of either accepting their scorn or throwing her boss under the bus. Third, and perhaps most unfortunate, a precedent has been set or reinforced that holds a VP’s opinion as sacrosanct.

Unfortunately, this director’s experience was not unusual; in fact it is probably the norm in most companies to accept without question the authority of the higher ranking executive.

Engaging in true two-way dialogue is not easy. It takes time. It goes against our competitive, litigious, right-wrong cultural sensibilities. It requires that we have BOTH the confidence of our own convictions AND the willingness to tolerate, even embrace, conflicting or alternative views. It requires that we set aside our ideas of power and politics and engage in true collaboration.

It’s not easy, it’s not common, but oh what a difference it can make.

Parents, Planes & Management

Recent travel brought forth some interesting lessons in management.

As passengers gathered near the gate to board our flight, I saw a father sharply scold his young son who seemed more interested in looking out the window at the big planes than getting in a bustling line. He was shocked by his dad’s flare of temper and the sudden scolding, not realizing that he had done anything wrong. In fact, from his point of view he had not committed any offense. He simply was not on board with Dad’s plan. It was only a matter of moments before he started crying. Actually, it was more like wailing. I prayed our seats would be far apart.

My intent is not to condemn the father. I can sympathize with him. Travel is stressful, and even more so with young ones. His behavior was understandable, and, in my experience of watching parents and children, typical. Unfortunately, it was not effective if his goal was to maintain harmony and good spirits.

On the return trip I observed an entirely different approach to parenting, also around boarding time. A little girl was fascinated by the looks and sounds of people, concession stands and neon signs. As boarding time approached, her mother got down on a knee so she was eye to eye with her daughter. I didn’t catch all the words – I try to be subtle when I’m eaves dropping. But the gist of her dialogue was explaining to the little girl what was going to happen next. They would join the line to get on the plane – “and we’ll be among the first in line. Won’t that be cool?!” Then there will be the finding of seats, and mommie might need your help. Pretty soon after that we will drive down the runway and then lift off. That’s when we’ll be really flying. Then they’ll come around to offer us a snack and soda, so be thinking about what you might like to drink.

The little girl gladly gave up her preoccupation with the airport sights and sounds so she could join this exciting new adventure. I decided I wouldn’t mind sitting near this parent-child team.

There could be many factors accounting for the two different parenting scenarios. We all know that some kids are easier to “manage” than others. The temperaments or circumstances of the parents might also have played a role. But putting those elements aside, what I found most compelling, and most transferable to management, was how the second parent took time to explain things to her daughter. It was not a story of convincing the little girl to do what mommie wanted, but rather she told the girl a story about a compelling future that easily aroused the girl’s interest and enthusiastic followership. Perhaps just as important, the parent began the conversation by getting on her daughter’s level, in effect seeing the world through her daughter’s eyes.

Adults, like children, make up stories about the information presented to them. Anyone, adult or child, confronted with sudden unfavorable conditions for apparently random or whimsical reasons, will naturally feel upset, shocked, hurt or angry. But if such adverse events are placed in the context of dialogue that helps the adult or child understand the current situation and see a possibility for a promising future, the reaction will usually be far more agreeable.

Because managers are overwhelmed by many demands on their time, one of the things they tend to sacrifice is quality time with direct reports. I’m not saying managers need to spend hours each week relating to and bonding with employees. All it takes is a few well-chosen, intentional minutes per day letting people know what’s going on, finding out what’s happening in their worlds, listening, sharing, coaching and clarifying. All of this goes a long way toward helping them connect their work lives with the goals and performance of the company. It has them feeling listened-to and cared about. It has them less surprised or alienated by crises when they occur.

Such small investments of time can be the difference between smooth sailing and mutiny.